I Am Bisexual. I Am Black. I am a Black Bisexual male, that lives in a society that doesn't approve of either. If you asked me 3 years ago I couldn't have described myself as either one of those titles. The year is 2009 and i am a Sophomore attending Florida Memorial college. My major is psychology. Which is the study of the mind. Although that is my major i feel as if i am losing my mind everyday and getting lost in the dark the more i try to find the light. I am healthy, strong, attractive Man. With a good head on my shoulders, i love life and have a great passion for writing and helping others. The ironic part about all this is that i can't help myself. I isolate myself from everything and everyone i feel that i am unworthy, as if i would contaminate everyone. A lot of people feel as if i am happy and okay but that is a mask that i wear to keep people from asking me that Damn, annoying question " Are You Alright" or " What Is Wrong?" Oh god how i hate those question it is as if you could help me or tell me something that will change my problem.
So I am gonna let you in on the big secret that has been killing me for a long time. I am heartbroken and have been for the longest time. I never really had that love that most people had growing up. My dad was a man who believe that emotion were a sign of weakness, and he chased my mother off when i was around the age of 2. So she was never really in my life never around hell i didn't even know she was still alive until i was in the 7th grade, my sister wasn't there and all my other sibling except for Carnellie were no where to be found. we moved around so much i gave up on making friends, but i did learn a new skill while we were moving and that was the skill to push people away when they get close to me. So you see the word love is something that i am unsure of how to use, because i never really had it.
So you see my heart is broken and i am unsure how to fix it, hell i do not even know how to feel emotion anymore. You Wanna know something crazy i didn't even cry at my mom's funeral. Hell i haven't even cried over her death. I do not remember the last time i cried, I'm not even sure i can do it anymore.So how do you fix a broken heart that has been broken for so many years, how do you let down someone walls that has been holding steady for so many years. How do you cry when someone doesn't remember how to cry. So you see that is the trick i would love to know, so that i could really let that special someone in my life and love them with all of my soul.
