Letter to my dad

So I am sitting in my room staring at the wall and you come to my mind and the emotion that comes across is that i hate you. I hate you for leaving her and making her fend for herself. How the fuck can you call yourself a man by leaving with three kids and then having another one by someone else. I Mean do not get me wrong i Love my little brother, but damn u left my mother to be with his mother. I Was made from you i am a part of you and you are a part of me.I can not count how many times i wished we were closer and i could come to you with my question and my concerns. I remember the time i cried to you about something that happened at school and you told me to suck it up.

i Just wanted to to just say it will be alright. Sometimes i blamed it on the military but i can not do that the further i get in to my own education i learn more and more. I am in school on my own accord despite you telling me i will never make it to no ones college i am doing damn good and will graduate soon. I grew up a man and your no where to be found. You had so many different women running in out of my life it got too a point where i dint care about there names anymore, i think i lost count after Don in Atlanta. I finally understand why i do not know what love is because i saw u go through people like dirty underwear, and that is how i am myself.

I do not know what love is because you never told me you love me, you never showed it too much. You showed me discipline and made me fear you but love i am not even sure you know how to show that. I think i am the only one of your kids who cares if you live or die i try and reach out too you but u push my hand away every time. You are 50 and you just got a divorce from a great women and your alone again, maybe going in and out of women again. Dude you are old and alone i would hate to be you. But the truth is i think i am becoming you and that scares me.

I hate you so much for making me this way and not being around like you should. i wish i was born to a different man and family because you made us so distant from the family i couldn't know if the person standing next to me is my cousin or an aunt. But the truth is that i love you and miss you dad you are a part of me and i am a part of you. so if this letter should ever reach out i love you and need you right now so how come you do not want me.